It had started long, long before this point but this is when I became aware of it. I absolutely needed to fix it. My first suicidal thought had seriously crossed my mind. I didn’t know yet that all those years of struggling would be part of it but at that point, it was early in the process. I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. But I did remember the Department of Mental Health and went in there which turned out to be the help I needed. I was given an assessment then a doctor then a therapist. That took about six to eight weeks so it wasn’t fast. None of it has turned out to be fast.Along the way, there have been stressful changes of doctors about once a year. Changes to insurance as I’ve gotten employable and switched jobs. No insurance where I’ve had to pay out of pocket while waiting to qualify for insurance. Sometimes it’s been downright scary wondering if I’ll get sick again before I can get the right mental health care lined up. Or aggravating that someone working in the Mental Health profession doesn’t seem to have enough understanding of the basic disorder I’ve been dealing with.
All in all some solid progress has been made over the last seven or so years. The main concern I have is going without my prescriptions. If those are taken care of I can change doctors and therapists as needed. The doctors can then make any necessary changes to my prescriptions, more, less, different, etc. But I wish there were a way to guarantee my mental health were cared for so I didn’t have to worry so much so often. At least it seems taken care of for now. It has become a very in the moment topic which makes it feel quite precarious. But maybe that is the nature of the thing.
I have learned how to take care of myself so that I can avoid feeling suicidal. I have learned how to shape my daily schedule to bolster my mental health. I have learned about the things that don’t work to help me like which medications and bad sleep patterns. I have learned which kind of thinking to stay away from that cripples my attitude for success. I have learned that for me work is very therapeutic. If I can stay working it helps my health immensely.
There is so much more progress to make and so much more to absorb and integrate that I can’t see ever being done anytime soon. What I would like is to feel secure in my illness. Rather than always feel like I’m scrambling to make ends meet. But maybe that is the new norm? Maybe everyone feels the same way and I just don’t know it. Maybe it keeps me on my toes, mentally avoiding complacency. Like I mentioned I’m just really glad that for now my mental health puzzle has all the important pieces in place and I am working on the accent pieces to my picture puzzle work.