Like many people I feel like the odds are stacked against me. My disability or lack of ability however it’s phrased has let my marriage topple, minimized the mothering I can do, makes school nearly impossible when matched with ADHD, has me at the end of a long rope dangling by the knot at work, and doesn’t leave me with any warm fuzzies for the near future.
Am I suicidal or having suicidal ideation? No. Thanks to a large, potent cocktail of drugs. Drugs that if I take a drug test for they are “over-looked”. –Well that’s not fair to me or my children; truth be told I have survived the hardest knocks I can think of so far before and since the prescriptions. I have come to accept that life is just going to buffet me around. It’s the nature of bipolar. I must have been one hard-hearted rock to have so many edges and corners knocked off. Hell at this rate I should wind up a small mossy pebble lining the bed of a lovely stream-scape. Luckily the moving water will keep off the additional humiliation of the bird droppings from overhead.
An individual today reminded me to look at the glass half full. Uncanny timing- A Facebook quip pointed out that not only should I see the glass half full but that I ought to finish filling it up. So am I positive to not be idealizing suicide or am I just delirious? Giddy with the adrenaline that is pumping through my veins and light headed at the rush of a near panic attack? Oh wait… I no longer have panic attacks. Geez for as much physical sensation as is getting through my fortress of meds I must be down right hysterical with fear?! My heart is beating, my eyelids are puffy, my stomach is knotted… hmmm. Stress?
You don’t think my meds causing me to relax could be sending the wrong message to my … everyone?? But I’ve tried life without the meds too. That seriously DID NOT work. I can promise I know that much.
I am not soliciting for help or opinions or sympathy even. I am just trying to voice what so many of us want to say… ” There has to be something better than this!! ” Ok maybe not yet but ..Soon? Maybe? Huh? pleaase?
So what can I do to make the glass half fuller? Take the dog for a walk, bandage a leper, donate my tax return to charity? These will bring momentary euphoric relief…well, maybe helping a leper would make for a longer lasting joyfulness. But what is going to help me 180° all these challenges and help me come out on top? Besides another 40 years? Well that may be exactly what it takes for all I know. By then the glass better not only be fuller but overflowing. Or else….
I’ll have to take somebody’s dog for a walk. I don’t think mine will last 40 years.