De Ann

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one’s watching you
A moment a love
A dream aloud
A kiss a cry
Our rights
Our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud

So stay there
‘Cause I’ll be coming over
And while our blood’s still young
It’s so young, it runs
And won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop to surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights
Our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

Stay there
‘Cause I’ll be coming over
And while our blood’s still young
It’s so young, it runs
And won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop to surrender

And won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop to surrender

Temper Trap:  Sweet Disposition

This is the song I would listen to driving the 40 minutes to or from the hospital/nursing home when my Mom was in the last weeks of her life.

Just like someone memorializes a life on an epitaph or the rear window of their truck so too is my Mother immortalized in this song- in my mind that is.  I like that my radio station still plays it now and again.  So when I hear it I get those same big feelings about the important things in the universe that I’d get when my Mom’s passing became inevitable.

Don’t be unsure grief was entwined in those gargantuan feelings. But my Mom raised me to always look toward hope and so it was the positive feelings I tried to focus on. When positiveness and grandeur collide the experience can be overwhelming.

Needless to say I have warm feelings about those last weeks and the opportunities available to serve her. Hopefully it compensated for negativity from me in times previous. She’d be gracious enough to say that was so.  That offers comfort.

I’d like to share more about her emotional health but I suspect family members have differing opinions and my Dad deserves my respectful restraint from airing dirty laundry.  But I greatly suspect my Mom was suffering from bipolar disorder going undiagnosed her life through. As the saying goes ‘it takes one to know one’.

I can say that IF she had bipolar disorder she suffered significantly because of the STIGMA surrounding emotional health care.  I know this because of things she said. If I can figure out humble and honoring ways to share more I will- in time.

Knowing my own story and much of hers it kindles a passion in me to play town crier where this subject of mental illness stigma is concerned. The subject is dynamic while the effects appear trivial. These effects accumulate over the time an individual suffers this insidious damage. To be blunt some situations end in one fatality and sometimes more.

Gratefully for all her struggles my Mom taught me to look to the bright side, monitor my attitude, and work with persistence if consistency was not an option.  These tools have served me well.  They helped me hang on till diagnosed. They strengthened me to endure the “find your meds” phase. And these principles have offered an alternative normalcy in life afterwards.

All in all Mom knew what was best in the big stuff.

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